About Me
Well, if you don’t know my name just send me a message and I’ll tell you no matter who you are. I’m just a small rez (reservation) boy living the two cultured life, it’s not hard, you just put on two different coats and there you go the rest is easy. Well, I can’t really explain it, but it just comes at you and you know what to do. Right now I’m just living with my mom and waiting to make a decision, on what I want to do. I’m so complicated, really I can’t make a decision worth my life, I want to do so much in life.
I want to be this and that, but you know, I can’t, but I still think I can make it in life, if I’m ever supported. What I mean by that is that people think I’m just a small rez boy who get’s it easy because I get paid for just being Native American. Well, no it’s not, I don’t get paid for just being Native American, behind that is that I get money because it’s casino funding that we Native Americans have to build to make money, then they fund it to us.
Anyways, I really don’t care, also allot of Native American don’t really support one another. It’s not support when you here “O, that’s cool”, and Native Americans even tell jokes so much that it’s not even funny. We are so gossipingly, we can‘t even stop to think what that person is going through to say “what the hell am I saying?“. Well, ok let’s get back to me, I love to have fun, that’s all I want everyday to go one day of fun. To not have one person in my family argue, to not have to hear anybody argue, and the only time it’s gotten that like was when I was with my friends.
I want that one day to smile and turn my head and see that my family isn‘t yelling at one another, I mean a family has it were they argue once every long while, not every single day of their life. I try so hard to be on everyone good side, to be that person that never argued with his sister or brothers. I don‘t think I‘ve ever spent a heart felt day with any of my family, I‘ve been told things that‘s about it. I spend most of my days rotten in my room alone, I mean not one every comes in and ask about my life and how things are going, they just come and complain about one another. I‘ve never gotten anyone in my family that’s ever came to me and said one good thing about each other.
Then you have to go out and try to talk to Native Adults who are so good at being hypocritical. I wanted to save these kids down here, then I hear something like “O, some of these kid won’t be able to be saved, not all of them will ever fallow you”. I mean to have to nerve to tell me that, but then again I hear stuff like that so much even from people I love so dearly. I want to change this reservation, to change everything, then I just give in because what people tell me, what people don’t support me on. They (Natives not all but majority of them) try to make the limelight, yet they haven’t even noticed live yet, they haven’t noticed that people are dying daily.
Ok, I’m just a caring, isolated, independent, Hypocritical, thinking too much, outgoing if you know me, wishful, Native American kid who still loves his life no matter what. Well, ok so it started when I was staying with my father since I could remember, but I moved with my mother in the 5th grade, and lived with here since.
So let’s move on, what I’m about the say is nothing but the truth about my life, all I say is all true. Before I start, you might think half way through it and maybe say “This is cruel and your not suppose to say that about them“. Really, I love everybody that I meet, I love everybody that I know, I love my family so much, but something I think “I can’t do this anymore, I can’t forgive”. I try so much to isolate myself from life, to keep to myself, to have people think of me as a good person and what I mean by isolate is when I keep everything that I don‘t mean inside and really I do think before I act.
Well, I’ve been trying to move out, really I’ve been trying to move and see the world and experience it. When I do want to, I get that paying bills and do this and that, you know I didn’t go to school for nothing. I have a very loving mother that I love so very much, it’s just sometimes she does tell me thing that I never really want to here. I told her that I made a decision about going to Kansas, to go to Haskell University where they had a bridge program to learn more at Kansas University. Well, because my Oldest brother was going to help me get into that school he said it would be cool to stay with him.
Well my mother, she told me that she didn’t want me to go that far, that she didn‘t want me to be leaving here. So I just coped with it, then again I choose to go to Seattle Art Institute, and I had somebody that had told me that another person would be able to sponsor me to go there. Again she said, something that’s not supportive, she said “What if that person won’t be able to support you the whole time?”. To tell the truth I thought I would have heard something better from her, like good job or that would be great for you to go to Haskell. I love her dearly, I love her, she is a great mother, she never hit me, but that doesn’t make you a great person.
Of course she brought me places, she bought me things, she raised me, she loved me, she showed me the right way, but isn‘t that what any other mother would do for there off spring? Right now, support could go along way for me right about now. Ok, My father… o FYI my parent got divorced when I was like 1yr old, no big deal it doesn’t bother me, but my father I’ll tell you.
My father was a abusive man, but in the end I’ve learned so much from him, I’ve learned to not hit a girl, I’ve learned that if your not good at sports you get a big ass beating. I don’t want to sound if I was complaining or anything, but yeah my father was that way. He yelled at me for not being good at sports, or if I missed a hit, in the end he would told me “your just here to have fun”…o and then in the end he has given up on me.
Then again I think of people that have gone through this same exact thing, so I don’t want to say to much about it. So I do say, that my dad has been repeating himself for the last 18 years of my life, say the same thing every time I talk to him. Saying, that I need to get a education and go to college, that he doesn’t want to me make the same decision has he had made. Well, I’ve already done that, and really I’m planning… well trying to go to college, trying to make it. So, I have forgave him for what he has done to me, I forgot what he did to me, it’s the past I let it go.
He is trying to fix everything that he had done in the past, trying to forget his past and forgive everybody. So I love him right now, until another day.
My Oldest brother, he is cool that’s all, he has done nothing to me, really I wanted to move with him at Kansas. He is making it in life, in college, got his degree already, and working on his last one, and his last year is this year. He majored in Business Management, but in the beginning he has made some mistakes but he is fixing them.
Ok let move on, my second oldest brother has done something recently to me. In the beginning of his life he said that he’s was taken in everything, saying that him and my oldest brother had conversed about each other, that they had saved me and my older sister from my father. Well, you know if I had stayed with my father for the rest of my life that I would have gone through the same exact thing that they had gone through. So if they should be saying anything, it shouldn’t be that, because I really saved myself when I moved in with my mother, but that’s not what he did to me.
Like I said you think a family would be the most supportive to you right, well he in the end, I’m most supportive to my family. I’m the one that tries to change them, their thoughts, one at a time I ‘m doing this, but ok I’ll say it. My 2nd oldest brother used my name when he got pulled over, when I thought that he was actually trying to change my life.
He told me that he doesn’t want to be life our father, that he doesn’t want to make those decision that he made. Well, he had gone and made the same exact choices our father had made in the beginning. In the beginning he had made his choices and he brought them onto me, he choose the pathways that our father had made. To live in poverty, to bring his problems onto me, to not go to college, to no get whatever he required to make a living.
So no for the rest of my life I am set back, but I think everyone would be set back in life so I’m not going into that. So well, I was set into this big moral dilemma because he had a warrant on him and he used my name. I didn’t know what to do, but well it was my choice right? So, I choose to go through with his little plan (choice) that he made. So forgive and forget, I love him so much because he is my brother and my family.
My sister is well, it started when we were young and we freaking hated each other, we couldn’t stand one another for some reason. Well, as we got older we forgot about all that, we didn’t forgive, well myself I have forgave her for what happened in the past. Well, she used me if I may say, when we lived with our father, we use to get in so much arguments. We used to fight so much, everyday it was, she used to tell me that if I didn’t do her chorus, that she would tell our father that I didn’t do anything. That he would beat me, and she would laugh while he is doing it.
At one point in our life, my father and my sister got into a fight, a really bad one too, I was in the back room listening and crying. I was in the 5th grade at the time, and well they were fighting and after they were done our father stormed out the back door walking to, god know where. Well, after he left, I walk up beside my sister, she was crying and I was crying, I held her hand and said “I love you, sister”. It pains me so much but yet I forgave her for what she said to me, she had gone and said “Don’t touch me, I’m not your sister anymore”. It seems at that point she had disowned me, she left the room and the house after she had said that, I cried harder, and fell to my knees, it felt like if I wasn’t loved at all by anyone.
Maybe that’s why I’m so afraid of love, maybe that’s why I’m so scared of dating, I’m so shy to even talk to girl, that I might not at all be loved by anyone. Well, I have forgave her, and I did forget that moment.
Yet, I stop and think do they do that same thing, have they forgave me, have they forgotten the past. I know, that the past is the past and that I have to let it go, but you know it’s hard every single day to think that they have not forgiving me and forgotten what‘s happened. So, all I can say is that I love them so very much, but I’m sorry, I can’t not forget what has happened, and that I cannot look up to anyone of them. The only ones I can look up to is the people that had already past, the ones that have not argued with me.
I cannot look up to those who had, hit me, fought with me, abandoned me, scarred me, and “That had loved & hurt me more then once”. Maybe I don’t have the worst life, but when you read this and how I feel about my past, I hope you understand. I hope you can see what had gone through, and see my family that cannot see.
I really don’t care how you feel and I‘m sorry for not doing so, but just that you understand why and how I feel. Also, if you think this is a waste of your time and life then so be it, no problem with me. This is about me, not you, and I’m glad that you took your time to read this. Well, just think in the end, it’s all forgive and forget, love is lost, hate is found. Thank you.
I want to be this and that, but you know, I can’t, but I still think I can make it in life, if I’m ever supported. What I mean by that is that people think I’m just a small rez boy who get’s it easy because I get paid for just being Native American. Well, no it’s not, I don’t get paid for just being Native American, behind that is that I get money because it’s casino funding that we Native Americans have to build to make money, then they fund it to us.
Anyways, I really don’t care, also allot of Native American don’t really support one another. It’s not support when you here “O, that’s cool”, and Native Americans even tell jokes so much that it’s not even funny. We are so gossipingly, we can‘t even stop to think what that person is going through to say “what the hell am I saying?“. Well, ok let’s get back to me, I love to have fun, that’s all I want everyday to go one day of fun. To not have one person in my family argue, to not have to hear anybody argue, and the only time it’s gotten that like was when I was with my friends.
I want that one day to smile and turn my head and see that my family isn‘t yelling at one another, I mean a family has it were they argue once every long while, not every single day of their life. I try so hard to be on everyone good side, to be that person that never argued with his sister or brothers. I don‘t think I‘ve ever spent a heart felt day with any of my family, I‘ve been told things that‘s about it. I spend most of my days rotten in my room alone, I mean not one every comes in and ask about my life and how things are going, they just come and complain about one another. I‘ve never gotten anyone in my family that’s ever came to me and said one good thing about each other.
Then you have to go out and try to talk to Native Adults who are so good at being hypocritical. I wanted to save these kids down here, then I hear something like “O, some of these kid won’t be able to be saved, not all of them will ever fallow you”. I mean to have to nerve to tell me that, but then again I hear stuff like that so much even from people I love so dearly. I want to change this reservation, to change everything, then I just give in because what people tell me, what people don’t support me on. They (Natives not all but majority of them) try to make the limelight, yet they haven’t even noticed live yet, they haven’t noticed that people are dying daily.
Ok, I’m just a caring, isolated, independent, Hypocritical, thinking too much, outgoing if you know me, wishful, Native American kid who still loves his life no matter what. Well, ok so it started when I was staying with my father since I could remember, but I moved with my mother in the 5th grade, and lived with here since.
So let’s move on, what I’m about the say is nothing but the truth about my life, all I say is all true. Before I start, you might think half way through it and maybe say “This is cruel and your not suppose to say that about them“. Really, I love everybody that I meet, I love everybody that I know, I love my family so much, but something I think “I can’t do this anymore, I can’t forgive”. I try so much to isolate myself from life, to keep to myself, to have people think of me as a good person and what I mean by isolate is when I keep everything that I don‘t mean inside and really I do think before I act.
Well, I’ve been trying to move out, really I’ve been trying to move and see the world and experience it. When I do want to, I get that paying bills and do this and that, you know I didn’t go to school for nothing. I have a very loving mother that I love so very much, it’s just sometimes she does tell me thing that I never really want to here. I told her that I made a decision about going to Kansas, to go to Haskell University where they had a bridge program to learn more at Kansas University. Well, because my Oldest brother was going to help me get into that school he said it would be cool to stay with him.
Well my mother, she told me that she didn’t want me to go that far, that she didn‘t want me to be leaving here. So I just coped with it, then again I choose to go to Seattle Art Institute, and I had somebody that had told me that another person would be able to sponsor me to go there. Again she said, something that’s not supportive, she said “What if that person won’t be able to support you the whole time?”. To tell the truth I thought I would have heard something better from her, like good job or that would be great for you to go to Haskell. I love her dearly, I love her, she is a great mother, she never hit me, but that doesn’t make you a great person.
Of course she brought me places, she bought me things, she raised me, she loved me, she showed me the right way, but isn‘t that what any other mother would do for there off spring? Right now, support could go along way for me right about now. Ok, My father… o FYI my parent got divorced when I was like 1yr old, no big deal it doesn’t bother me, but my father I’ll tell you.
My father was a abusive man, but in the end I’ve learned so much from him, I’ve learned to not hit a girl, I’ve learned that if your not good at sports you get a big ass beating. I don’t want to sound if I was complaining or anything, but yeah my father was that way. He yelled at me for not being good at sports, or if I missed a hit, in the end he would told me “your just here to have fun”…o and then in the end he has given up on me.
Then again I think of people that have gone through this same exact thing, so I don’t want to say to much about it. So I do say, that my dad has been repeating himself for the last 18 years of my life, say the same thing every time I talk to him. Saying, that I need to get a education and go to college, that he doesn’t want to me make the same decision has he had made. Well, I’ve already done that, and really I’m planning… well trying to go to college, trying to make it. So, I have forgave him for what he has done to me, I forgot what he did to me, it’s the past I let it go.
He is trying to fix everything that he had done in the past, trying to forget his past and forgive everybody. So I love him right now, until another day.
My Oldest brother, he is cool that’s all, he has done nothing to me, really I wanted to move with him at Kansas. He is making it in life, in college, got his degree already, and working on his last one, and his last year is this year. He majored in Business Management, but in the beginning he has made some mistakes but he is fixing them.
Ok let move on, my second oldest brother has done something recently to me. In the beginning of his life he said that he’s was taken in everything, saying that him and my oldest brother had conversed about each other, that they had saved me and my older sister from my father. Well, you know if I had stayed with my father for the rest of my life that I would have gone through the same exact thing that they had gone through. So if they should be saying anything, it shouldn’t be that, because I really saved myself when I moved in with my mother, but that’s not what he did to me.
Like I said you think a family would be the most supportive to you right, well he in the end, I’m most supportive to my family. I’m the one that tries to change them, their thoughts, one at a time I ‘m doing this, but ok I’ll say it. My 2nd oldest brother used my name when he got pulled over, when I thought that he was actually trying to change my life.
He told me that he doesn’t want to be life our father, that he doesn’t want to make those decision that he made. Well, he had gone and made the same exact choices our father had made in the beginning. In the beginning he had made his choices and he brought them onto me, he choose the pathways that our father had made. To live in poverty, to bring his problems onto me, to not go to college, to no get whatever he required to make a living.
So no for the rest of my life I am set back, but I think everyone would be set back in life so I’m not going into that. So well, I was set into this big moral dilemma because he had a warrant on him and he used my name. I didn’t know what to do, but well it was my choice right? So, I choose to go through with his little plan (choice) that he made. So forgive and forget, I love him so much because he is my brother and my family.
My sister is well, it started when we were young and we freaking hated each other, we couldn’t stand one another for some reason. Well, as we got older we forgot about all that, we didn’t forgive, well myself I have forgave her for what happened in the past. Well, she used me if I may say, when we lived with our father, we use to get in so much arguments. We used to fight so much, everyday it was, she used to tell me that if I didn’t do her chorus, that she would tell our father that I didn’t do anything. That he would beat me, and she would laugh while he is doing it.
At one point in our life, my father and my sister got into a fight, a really bad one too, I was in the back room listening and crying. I was in the 5th grade at the time, and well they were fighting and after they were done our father stormed out the back door walking to, god know where. Well, after he left, I walk up beside my sister, she was crying and I was crying, I held her hand and said “I love you, sister”. It pains me so much but yet I forgave her for what she said to me, she had gone and said “Don’t touch me, I’m not your sister anymore”. It seems at that point she had disowned me, she left the room and the house after she had said that, I cried harder, and fell to my knees, it felt like if I wasn’t loved at all by anyone.
Maybe that’s why I’m so afraid of love, maybe that’s why I’m so scared of dating, I’m so shy to even talk to girl, that I might not at all be loved by anyone. Well, I have forgave her, and I did forget that moment.
Yet, I stop and think do they do that same thing, have they forgave me, have they forgotten the past. I know, that the past is the past and that I have to let it go, but you know it’s hard every single day to think that they have not forgiving me and forgotten what‘s happened. So, all I can say is that I love them so very much, but I’m sorry, I can’t not forget what has happened, and that I cannot look up to anyone of them. The only ones I can look up to is the people that had already past, the ones that have not argued with me.
I cannot look up to those who had, hit me, fought with me, abandoned me, scarred me, and “That had loved & hurt me more then once”. Maybe I don’t have the worst life, but when you read this and how I feel about my past, I hope you understand. I hope you can see what had gone through, and see my family that cannot see.
I really don’t care how you feel and I‘m sorry for not doing so, but just that you understand why and how I feel. Also, if you think this is a waste of your time and life then so be it, no problem with me. This is about me, not you, and I’m glad that you took your time to read this. Well, just think in the end, it’s all forgive and forget, love is lost, hate is found. Thank you.
| Name | Ervinjames Ashue |
| Gender | Male |
| Age | 19 |
| Location | Yakima, WA |
| Ethnicity | Other |
| Interested in | Women |
| Status | Single |
| Music | 2pac, acdc, the beatles, bob dylan, bob marley, creedence clearwater revival, the cardigans, dashboard confessional, e40, foo fighters, flo rida, guns n’ roses, gwen stefani, hello goodbye, incubus, iron maiden, jimi hendrix, jimmy eat world, journey, kanye west, kenny chesney, lil’ wayne, ludacris, meiko, metallica, my chemical romance, nelly, nirvana, outlaws, pink floyd, plain white t’s, queen, queens of the stone age, red hot chili peppers, the red jumpsuit apparatus, rhett akins, rod stewart, the scene aesthetic, secondhand serenade, serj tankian, sick puppies, the spill canvas, taking back sunday, tenacious d, uncle kracker, usher, van halen, weezer, xzibit, yeah yeah yeahs |
| Quotes | "If you take the time, then maybe you’ll get there”, “I can’t be too deep with life, if I am I might end up 6 feet under”, “Never say goodbye, always say see you later, goodbye is bad luck”, “I think too much, it’s hard to think too less”, “you can only forgive, or forget.", “Life is too short to fight and argue”, “You can’t have world peace, but you can have a better one”, “To balance the world out you must have the North Pole and South Pole, up and down, left and right, white and black, good and bad. Without that, then there wouldn’t even be a world to live in.”, "Having two different point's of views make it easier to see", “I Tried starting life, but life started without me.”, “I may seem like I’m happy everyday, but I’m just hiding the darkness.”, “It's not what I want to do... It's where I want to start.”, "Those who only believe in what they hear or think, don't believe in the truth.", "I would rather be a truthful Villain, then a lying a Hero", "The only thing we can do is support one another, and tell our family, friends, and loved ones it well be ok. With support, no matter what.", "We can't show eachother the truth nor can we explain it to eachother, as individuals people, we can only see the truth ourselves.", "You can only try, but failure is all we hear, maybe one completion but it take so long to hear another.", "Real Heroes Get sent to prison for doing the righ thing" |
Contact Me
| Website | Myspace.com/lilray1989, |
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